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August 25, 2008

Can people redefine themselves? How? Is a move necessary to redefine? Is it possible to change yourself without a change of setting?

In college and since, I planned to redefine myself with every move. Usually my plans were the same: I’d be outgoing and friendly. I’d exercise a month before moving and spend time getting ready every day once I moved so that I’d be skinny and attractive. I’d magnify my calling. I’d be kind and helpful to my roommates. My mantra was, “this year, this new ward, these new friends will be great.”

A year later, I’d realize I was completely unsuccessful and decide to move again.

For the first time, I’m happy not redefining. There are still things I’d like to change, but I don’t feel the drive to move, escape, etc. Does that mean I’ve finally successfully defined myself? Does it mean I’ve given up?

I think, after 25 years of trying to fool the world into thinking I’m a cool non-nerd, I’ve realized it’s a futile task.  Better to embrace myself and, by doing so, force others to embrace me.  Or leave me.  I don’t need them anyway.

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