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Thoughts & an Apology

March 12, 2009

A few great thoughts I’ve run across:

I listened to this from Dracula while driving home yesterday.

I was in doubt, and then everything took a hue of unreality, and I did not know what to trust, even the evidence of my own senses.  Not knowing what to trust, I did not know what to do, and so had only to keep on working in what had hitherto been the groove of my life.  The groove ceased to avail me, and I mistrusted myself.

For some reason, this rings true.  I think my life is chuck full of doubts about…you name it.  And the groove ceases to avail me.

I found a great post on another blog of a friend from way back in the day.  (I haven’t known her well for years but her blog is entertaining, and I enjoy blog-stalking.)  The point is, besides a few personal details, I think her post could be about me.  I won’t post it all here, but to summarize her thoughts and mine:

…Let’s be honest, sometimes I’m just a flat-out Crazy Person, as much as I try otherwise, sometimes it happens.

For unnamed reasons, I have felt positively crazy as of late.  Everything (well, maybe not everything) makes me tear up, something I’ve been doing 3000% more often than usual and 9000% more often than I like to admit.

I assume it is because I’ve taken on WAY more than I can handle (or at least what I think I can handle).  I won’t go into details because they make me tired just thinking about writing them.  But, nerd that I am, I’ve done the math on what I should do every week, and I’m about 20 hours short.  Any “groove” I may once have had is shot.

That’s not important.  I’ll do what I can.  Fun things have been the first to go: no more dinner group, less time with people I care about.  I think this is probably unhealthy long term: it leads to an antisocial, unhappy me.  Taking opportunities to “help” has been the second to go.  I’m certain this is unhealthy: it brings out my most selfish, whiny qualities.  But, at a loss for how to do it all, I’ve concluded I can only do what is necessary for now.

The thing I worry about is that I think I’ve offended some with my absence/craziness/busyness.  And I’ve chewed the ear off of others complaining about my craziness/busyness/offense I’ve unwittingly given.

To both parties, I apologize.  I hope you’ll forgive me.

I hope the insanity is temporary.

I hope doubt will someday give way to confidence, and that the rediscovery of a satisfactory groove is forthcoming.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. March 12, 2009 10:54 am

    You, My friend, are being much too hard on yourself. I think you bear all the stress incredibly well. You have heaps and heaps of work on your plate everyday, and yet you still find time to do what is truly important. Can’t wait for you to move in with us. Here’s to Saturday, and a new start!

  2. March 12, 2009 11:24 am

    I think for someone as rational as you, any insanity will be fleeting.

    I just hope this latest round fleets, stat.


  3. March 12, 2009 12:01 pm

    Just a few things…
    1. I LOVE Dracula. We’ll have to talk/email about it when you finish
    2. Please let me know what I can do to help you, especially things YSA related.
    3. I feel like I haven’t really talked to you in ages. I think the only way I know what is going on in your life is by reading your blog.
    4. I can’t wait until we are roommates again..2 days I think…We should probably have a roommates-only night sometime soon.
    5. Thanks for coming last night.

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